Am I Ready for a Relationship?

In youth ministry I’m often asked, "how did you know when you were ready to date?" In order to truly answer that question, we have to reflect on our perception of marriage and relationships. I believe that there are two major factors that come into play when trying to decide if you are ready to date.

1. Timing

You see, there is a common misconception about relationships. Most people believe that "the one" is supposed to complete you, and that those two halves will make a whole marriage. If that were true, it would mean that you don't have to be whole in order to meet and marry "the one". This is a huge lie that we have bought into. While that logic may be sound in the natural, it is not correct in the spiritual realm. Marriage is a spiritual concept to begin with, so it cannot be judged on the basis of wordly thinking. This worldly misconception needs a heavenly correction. In order to complete "the one", you have to be whole. How can you complete someone else if you don't have a half to give without losing yourself completely? You are two separate beings, with different gifts, talents, and abilities. You must first know who you are and be confident in your calling before you are truly ready for a successful relationship.

This “completion mentality” is the very logic that creates unstable & weak marriages. When two are married and become one, you come into covenant with one another. You become one family, but you are still two separate beings. The Trinity, a subject confusing to most, is similar. They are one, but three, like a three stranded cord. Marriage is also a cord, when two strands are twisted together it multiples the strength of the cord. Imagine that those two strands were each half a strand, when they are fused together will they be as strong as the two whole strands? Of course not, they would break under less pressure & friction. That's how many marriages are today. They're two half-strands trying to hold weight and pressure that was intended for two whole-strands.

One reason why you need to first be whole is that someone who is not whole may mistake love for infatuation. The insatiable hunger for love within them causes a disfunctional discernment. It then leads to a "fill the void" mentality, which hurts both parties in the relationship by putting an impossible, God-sized expectation on the other person, while still never truly filling the void.

I knew I was ready to date when I no longer hungered for someone to satisfy my need for affection, God already did that. And still today, I need God, but I desperately want want my husband. You have to learn to be hungry for God, the substance that sustains you, and then allow the relationship to be the dessert, the substance that makes life more enjoyable and exciting! You can't live off of dessert, because in the end you'll still be starving for nutrition. Is that the dessert's fault? No, it wasn't created for that purpose, just as we were never created to take God's place.

The biggest and most confusing problems occur when you become addicted to "sugar"(affection & attention from another human). Being addicted to natural substances can cause you to have withdraw symptoms that make you think that you need it, even though you don’t. When a person is addicted, they often place their want for that substance above their actual physical needs. They can no longer tell the difference between what they think they need and what they truly need. The same is true for relationships. In such cases, the best thing to do is detox. You weren't created to need them for your survival. When you move from needing someone, to just wanting and enjoying someone, that's when you know you are ready.

Here are a few questions you must be willing to answer honestly:

Have you asked yourself exactly what you want in a future spouse? Or are you just open to taking whatever comes your way that shows interest?

Where is your security, comfort, & confidence stem from? How insecure are you?

Do you know what your calling?

2. Partner

In my experience, almost everyone has at least one relationship that defines them, and one that refines them. You don’t want your marriage partner to be the very thing that you live for, the thing that defines you. You want it to be the relationships that refines you. The one that continually cultivates you and makes you a better person. The relationship that defines you, does not define you because you find your definition in their existence, but rather that the relationship begins to reveal who you are, it develops your likes, your dislikes and your habits, your values, your morals and eventually it becomes the relationship that shows your how much more satisfying the refining is compared to the defining. Ultimately, you realize that it's more important to love who you are when you are with someone, that it is to love how they make you feel. A refining relationship challenges you and makes you a better person.

Here are a few more questions you must be willing to answer honestly: If you know what your calling is, does your significant other know their's and how do your callings look side-by-side? Do they fit together like puzzle-pieces, or do they simply look like two completely different lifestyles?

Where does their security, comfort, and confidence stem from? Will their whole life fall to pieces if you walk away?

How would their lives change if you weren’t a part of it?

Do you fear that they might fall further from God without you? If so, you owe it to them to let go until they rely fully on God… Otherwise, when the season comes that you can no longer be the “strong” one, you will both be drowning.

Scripture References: Proverbs 19:2; Ephesians 5:22-33; 1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 18:22; 1 Corinthians 7:32-35; Proverbs 15:22; 2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Thess. 4:3-5; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7; Matthew 6:33; Proverbs 16:3